Thoughts of Self Doubt
This post was written end of January, but I was too nervous to post it. I am still struggling with feeling like I’m doing anything with my life, but just recently I have started to feel better about myself and what I’m going to be doing with my life. So I thought that I would share.
When I was young I struggled with self doubt. I would feel I wouldn’t be worth anything if I wasn’t perfect. I remember feeling like I was nothing compared to those around me, my sister is wickedly smart as were my two best friends. I never considered myself dumb, but I didn’t consider myself the brightest tool in the shed. There are still times when I struggle with who I am and what I was put on this earth to do. I’ve been struggling with that same topic recently. Jobs have rejected me and in turn I have started to doubt myself and what I should be doing with my life. If I’m going to be completely honest, January 2015 was a struggle. After sitting in tears and self doubt and trust me there were a lot of both, I got in the car Monday January 26, I scrolled through my audio books and I realized I hadn’t listened to Bait of Satan in a while, so I decided to listen to it. I almost cried on the way to work, the chapter was about taking out anger on God when we are given tests in that area. he spoke about Joseph and how he was not only able to forgive his brothers for selling him into slavery, but honor them and spread wealth to them in a time of need. David was accepted by King Solomon, but when he was praised higher than him, Solomon tried to kill David. David was shut out by a man who was accepting of him and yet he did not try to seek revenge, even though people offered to help.
I thought about how “bad” my month had been and I just had to move on. With all of that being said, I’m the first person who cries when something does not go her way or sit in silence, I am a human and I have emotions. It is what I say and do in a crisis that shows my true character and for that I was upset. I blamed God for not getting the things that I had prayed for and had been wanting for such a long time. While in church, Pastor Phil said something in his sermon and it stuck with me all day, “God probably did not give you want you wanted at the time you wanted it because he probably couldn’t handle it. I don’t give my 10 year daughter the keys to the car because she isn’t ready for it.” It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was a 10 year old little girl again wanting to drive the car, but Dad said no. Sure enough, at 16 I got my license after taking the proper tests.Maybe I’m not ready for what lies ahead for me and I need to be exterior needs to be hardened. Maybe I have to grow just a little bit more before I get my dream.
I’m still trusting that God is taking care of me and he will continue to do so. I’m so thankful for the family he has given me, a roof over my head, friends to laugh and cry with, and a church that was and continues to be supportive.
