Fear and Doubt Today

The last session we did at our Women’s group was trusting God and not your fear. That is huge thing for me-fear that is. I have such a hard time with being afraid, that I don’t trust God most of the time. Even typing it is hard, just because I feel like I have so many people relying on me to stand firm in my faith and to not be shaken when times get tough. But I do get shaken and at different times, I get angry at God and want nothing to do with him for the day.

But here’s the thing, He’s never not with me.

Today has been rough. I’m sitting at my desk at work waiting to take someone to their interview and then another one after that and then another one after that. My car gave me trouble this morning and all I could say in the car was “Are you kidding me, God?” I got to my desk and I felt this pit in my stomach. A pit that I knew all too well. Fear. Fear that my car was going to give out on me when I drive home. Fear that something terrible was going to happen to me as I drove to church tonight. I’m not going to lie, that pit is still kind of there.

But here’s the thing, I’m not alone even though at times I feel like I am. Especially when I was crying in the bathroom stall. Crying and asking why is this happening-did I do something? What is the deal? As I was sitting there, tears started to come down my face and as I wiped them away, I heard a voice. A calming voice, a voice I’m starting to hear a little more. “Trust me.” But God, this has happened before and it costs money and time… “What was the result?” It got better. “Trust me” But what if.. “Trust me child.” I don’t know how. “Yes you do” I started crying again with an overwhelming sense of love over me.

Is my fear all gone, no. Is it mostly gone, yes. I have my music on while I’m at my desk and I’m keeping positive. I text two women who I love and trust and both of them gave me great wisdom. “the Lord is with you to help you and uphold you” which I have been repeating in my head. The other sent me a hilarious video that made me laugh and now I just keep watching it. You know who you are and for that I thank you.

Even as I write this, little things have started to make my day stress even less. I guess we could call this a “live blog” post. I just felt the need to write and say that if you are downcast this day or in anything else. Do not fear and do not grow weary. God is with you and you have people around you who love you and care for you. There is always something to be thankful for.